That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
You Might Also Like
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.