“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
this isn’t threatening at all
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves