All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
back to work
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
that’s really how it is
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads