*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I have many caverns
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
one last job
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?