It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Intelligence is the new cleavage
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I put the h in mysterious.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]