People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
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Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”