No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
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The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
When he asks for feet pics
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
he looks great for his age
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.