Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
the official breakfast of 2021