[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My whole life was a lie.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.