absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I’d hang this in my house.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.