Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
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I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.