[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
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Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Some people were born into their job.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?