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If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”