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My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.