As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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Good morning
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”