quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
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ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.