If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
A game married people play.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.