having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this