Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness