THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?