If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me