The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
You Might Also Like
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?