[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles