Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
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[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.