girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
My blood type is coffee.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free