8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.