I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
We avoided this particular disaster
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos