Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
fourth time’s the charm
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
welp
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*