The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
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Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Why are bridges so flammable.
This classic never gets old . . .
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.