H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
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men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
When someone says you are so lazy
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts: