Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Fights fire with marshmallows
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork