“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.