*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
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cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.