“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
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Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner