[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.