Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
New Tinder profile.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
can you read it!!??
maan!
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.