On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Made something I’m not proud of
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
What a website
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.