My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.