Being rude underwater is snarkeling
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I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.