hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Not all heroes wear capes….
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.