Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit