My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
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Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
🤣could you imagine
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
my sentiments exactly
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol