Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
quarantine day 3
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.