dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
SCARY COSTUME
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.