“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
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fired
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I hope it’s French Onion!
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
why would tinder want me to say this
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes