My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…