My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times