One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
dads on road-trips be like
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?