*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
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ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.