If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
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We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait